I certainly won’t bemoan how incredible technological advances allow us simpler, easier and altogether more hassle-free lives, but it doesn’t come without a cost. For all the wonderful advantages of Facebook, MySpace and Twitter, there’s a number of disadvantages too, which have been commented on largely across the media world. Yes, there’s the whole privacy issue; then the deterioration of human relationships; and the consequent forging of new relationships via these sites. But I want to discuss something slightly different, and that is The Internet Stalker. They’re prevalent, they’ve got time on their hands and they’re WEIRD. I’ve suffered numerous incarnations of The Internet Stalker, most of them equally irritating. Spot yours using our handy guide!
1. The Secret Stalker
This kind of web inhabitant isn’t always immediately obvious. They could be an acquaintance or past friend on your friends list. Somehow, despite that your relationship has almost completely petered out, The Secret Stalker manages to turn up every now and again at the pub you’re at, or outside your Tai Chi class on a Wednesday evening. Coincidence? Not really. They are – quite literally – following you, and not just on Twitter.
2. The Blog Reader
Being an avid blogger for years, I’ve become accustomed to this one. Daily thoughts are churned out, opinions spoken, jokes shared, all in the grand blog. Perhaps it’s a personal blog, perhaps a regular column on an e-zine. It matters not, because anyone with any sense would only blog about things they’re happy with others knowing. Still, the discombobulation floods in when a vague buddy or temporary work mate from years ago crops up and seems to know everything about you, your recent altercations with your flatmates and the time when you were really drunk and wondered what style of egg would best stick to the ceiling, prompting you to poach, fry, scramble and boil a box of Tesco’s best caged eggs at 4.30am and toss them above the picture rails resulting in a yolky filth that would take days to scrub off of the wallpaper. Ahem, yes. OK, bloggers make their writing public, but it’s just a bit STRANGE when someone follows you so fervently that you check in your closet before going to bed…
3. The Facebook Commenter
Social networking sites are great for keeping your mates posted with what you’ve been up to. You can add photos and media, complete your own profile and use status updates to practice witty one-liners. And then your friends can comment on all those things. Which is great. Until you get the one Internet Stalker who appears to have nothing better to do than comment on every single one of your photos. It makes you wonder whether these people have anything else to do with their time, or whether they live vicariously through the photos of someone else. ODD.
4. The Reverse Stalker
“Check my photos on Facebook!” Er, well, I might. If I get bored. But out of the 521 ‘friends’ I have, I don’t really need to see ANOTHER set of snowboarding photos or my sister’s ex-boyfriend’s latest drunken night out. “Oh, I thought you KNEW we had split up! It was on Facebook!” Eh? Perhaps I’ve missed the point of social networking sites, but my Facebook account isn’t an automatic portal to me HAVING to read everything put on it. “Did you read my messages about my INSANE journey from Timbuktu to Never Never Land?” Well, actually, no, I didn’t. Partly because I have my own life to get on with, which is pretty full itself, and partly because a brief flick through it highlighted that it was 17 pages of mindlessly dull tedium, describing everything in minute detail. Just because you spend half of your life putting the other half of your life on Facebook, Reverse Stalker, doesn’t mean that the rest of us want (or have the time) to read, watch or look at it.
5. The Stalker You’ve Had Enough Of.
Christ Almighty, when your Internet Stalker has finally worn your patience to the thinness of a parmesan shaving, you utilise the block function on MSN. Or delete them from your social network profile. Perfect! Until – in their stalking way – they realise that you must have blocked or deleted them and turn up at your workplace. Or on your doorstep. Or phone your parents.
Unfortunately, you just can’t get rid of some people, and at the end of the day, real life is still out there.
– Mick Faulkner
